A Continuing Saga - If You Haven't Done So Already, Please Read The Blog Titled "I Am A Jealous God" First, To Understand This Story In The Fullness.
"Traveling Around The Same Tree Once More; I’m Determined To Past This Test, With God’s Help.:
Again, my husband was not going by the script I had written out for his rehabilitation from surgery. My assumption was since he would be incapacitated for a time, he should accept the fact that I know best how to take care of him in what he should eat, how he should eat, what time to get up…you know those very important things that we caring/nurturing wives like to pursue. Some of you may agree with me on this matter and laugh, but God wouldn’t, and didn’t.
I thought since I was looking out for his best interest helping him to get through this temporary time in his life, it was okay for me to start a list of where and when things would get done. I knew I would be the cook, housekeeper, chauffeur, time manager, menu planner - all wrapped up in being the wife, and I felt it was okay to manage things the way I thought they should be handled. I felt since I am his helpmeet and according to Genesis 2:18 scripture and the Hebrew meaning of helpmeet (Hebrew -Ezer Kenegdo), I had to be strong for him in areas where he was not able to function to full capacity; and had to save him from making crazy decisions - even though he yet had presence of mind. My thoughts were that I had to rescue him from making disastrous food choices when he was not fully mobile to exercise the calories off.
You can understand those small details that ordinarily would be left up to the wife, and since he wasn't completely mobile at the time, I really took those words to heart. Since I’m the wife and loved and respected him, this was just a no-brainer, I thought. There was no one else living in the house at the time, so I rationalized that the husband should be happy with me organizing everything during his recuperation.
I didn’t understand how this made him unhappy, but it did. My thoughts were – hey, I am doing all the work preparing different areas of the home to make sure you are comfortable, and your job is to sit happy and be contented receiving what was being done for you. Thank God, I never said to him, that he should be happy I was doing it for him. It might have been okay to say, but since God was doing a new work in me, and being his wife, that would have been so wrong on many levels.
Whenever my husband would raise opposition about something I was doing, I took it personal as thou he was attacking me with un-thankfulness. It did hurt because I thought, anyone else would be so thankful of the goodness I was doing for them. Now how could I justify saying that? How did I know anyone else would be thankful for what I was doing, and how I was doing it?
My mind went back to the times of feeding the homeless, needy, hungry, and displaced. The ministry fed over 9000 men, women, and children. Our goal was to make everyone feel special whenever we prepared the food to feed them. We used table cloths on all our tables, hand wipes, feeding utensils, decoration, and always prepared delicious meals.
We made sure all the clothing that was displayed for our guest to choose from were clothing of such caliber, that if we had to wear them, we would look and feel fantastic.
Tender love and care were paramount first in our hearts and a desire to please God, followed with making all our guests feel honored no matter who they were. This desire helped us to be dedicated in ways things were done to others, through our hands.
Even though showing, love, grace, and mercy to those who came to partake of our kindness, we did have some people who were dissatisfied with everything we tried to do for them. You may think some displays of negative attitudes, ugliness, and un-thankfulness only came from the homeless that lived on the streets. No, some of it came from people who had homes and jobs, who felt entitled for whatever reason. We were blessed and thankful we never had much trouble in this area, but there will always be people who are not thankful for anything. We continued to show through love and understanding, that we were being servants to everyone, no matter what condition or problem people were facing, and we loved what we were called to do.
The Holy Spirit began to show me how I had to come to this valley, to pass a more endearing test of all. I had been given the privilege of feeding and clothing people of different demeanors, attitudes, manners and characteristics, and we endured it all. Now was my time to see how I would handle it in my own home. Would I retaliate with words, have a bad temper, become annoyed, or disappointed? How would I finish this test, since it will be in my home?
I was reminded that since the clients did not stay at the ministry building, and after the event we were able to go about our own business to our homes until the next ministry feeding, would I survive such close quarters in the home 24 hours every day from four to six months, Again, I had to make up my mind, this test was for my spiritual life, and for my future. I had to pass this, I just had to.
After six months were over, I can truthfully say, I know with God’s help, I passed the test. It was not without asking God to forgive me at times for even some thoughts I entertained for a moment in my mind. I would not have wanted to miss going through some rough times, but I came through this test more humble, more loving, more watchful, and more understanding of my husband and others. It didn’t matter that I was a minister, or a leader, I learned some very precious life lessons while going through that season, and I will remain so eternally grateful for the love ABBA Father showed me, while being led through this valley. Praise the Lord!
The Lord’s Loving Rebuke and Correction
The Lord spoke to me in my spirit these word “whose Servant is he?” You do not own him, or have any right to try and think for him in these matters. He is yet able to think and make decisions, he knows how he feel and what he wants to eat, and when he wants it. Your service should be to him, and doing it as unto me.
You are not the maker of him, and you are a servant to me. As I heard those words, my heart was pricked, and I started repenting about my attitude and how I was functioning in the role I had been placed, and mandated by God.
How could I have thought foolish thoughts? How would I be representing the love of God to my husband, when I was acting like his master for the time being. The word control comes to mind. In one of several experiences the enemy presented for me to fall and fail, I humbled myself continually asking the Holy Spirit to go before me and make the crooked path straight; and by doing that, I was kept from falling into the traps that was set for me by the enemy. I began to think how I would feel if I was in his shoes, and someone was not cognizance of my feelings about what made me happy and comfortable. The more I thought about this and other things, I cried tears of release, thankfulness. The love I felt from the loving words of rebuke and correction from the heart of God to me, was priceless.
I will not tell you the decision to allow my husband to say what he wanted to eat and the time he wanted to eat; to drink sodas and juices instead of drinking more water, or even when he wanted to eat a certain type of cookie or ice cream did not pull on my flesh (emotions), but the more I asked help from the Holy Spirit, the more I was able to deny hurtful words.
Whatever he said he wanted, I said okay. If he preferred to sit in his man-cave without the blinds being opened, but rather have the ceiling light on, I said ok. When I released myself from being an overseer, pressure was taken off my shoulders and it felt good. I wouldn’t call myself a perfectionist, but I do like order and less clutter. Since my husband was spending most of his time in his man-cave, I think it was one of many continuing special nuggets God made available to me.
I made sure the room stayed fresh and cleaned, and I kept the small refrigerator in the room always stocked with what he wanted. You see, the Lord gave me revelation about this season in my life, that this was a very important testing time, getting me ready for my future.
With that revelation, I know I had to stay prayerful, listen to the Holy Spirit inside guiding me, and I would pass this test. There would not be another go around the same tree, for this testing. The last surgery, I totally failed because of my ego, and thinking I knew everything. We leaders can get it so wrong sometimes. When we realize this can be a vital part of Holy living, there will not be a problem when we are asked to pull up the rear in endeavors and are not asked to be leaders in certain matters. This takes prayer, supplication and a humble spirit. That only comes through having the indwelling Holy Spirit, a made up mind to live holy and righteous, and not care about how man perceives us.
I am not saying I stopped caring about his diet, well-being or any of the other things involved with being a care giver, I’m saying he was an adult with full use of his reason of thought, and I couldn’t over-ruled that. Most importantly, according to scripture, he is my head ladies, in the home.
When I started saying yes to his desires, I believe my husband was waiting for the other shoe to drop…thank God it never did. My mind was determined to obey God’s word. Ladies, you may ask “what am I supposed to do if my husband does not respect me. Let me tell you this, if I hadn’t believed the words of God and His promise to me, I would have quit if I was depending on respect at that time.
It was gruesome sometimes but praying and knowing the Holy Spirit was my keeper, comforter, guide, and so much more, it was all worth it so God would get the glory in this. I had to understand my emotions had to be dealt with to walk this path. Sure, I was a wife, mother, and all of that, but more importantly, I was (am) a soldier on the battle field For Souls, and his soul is important.
You have to ask yourself questions – is it worth it to go through hard times that others can be saved or delivered. If your answer is yes, then you know what I am talking about. Some Christians have made the statement that they are not a door mat, and will not tolerate this coming from family or foe. Remember where Jesus said a prophet being without honor is found. When we accepted the Holy Spirit in our hearts, we made a commitment to give up our rights, for Jesus Christ and to give up our will, ways, and take on the will of our Father. This was very important to me. I felt, if my husband, children, family, friends, or enemy wanted to see that someone could live holy, I asked the Lord to let me be the one to show them that you could live a holy and righteous life with the Holy Spirit’s guiding, and my obedience to His Word.
All through the testing of trials and tribulations walking the path, I had to rely heavily on the Word of God, and what was before me. I couldn’t give up (even though the enemy would bring those thoughts to me), but where could I go? There was nothing to go back to, I couldn't give up, I had to keep going forward being directed by His Spirit.
Another important aspect to my staying the course, I had to remember the blue print God has mantle me with, and I don’t want anyone else finishing what he has given me. It is my destiny and I want and desire this more than anyone and anything else, on this side of being with Jesus forever.
Scripture for Thought:
Ephesians 5:21 - 23 (KJV)
21 Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the savior of the body.
1 Peter 3: 1-5 (KJV) - Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives: 2 While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear. 3 Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel;
4 But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price. 5 For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands:
Proverbs 14: 1 (KJV) Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands.
Colossians 3:17 – 18 (KJV) 17 And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. 18 Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.
Mark 6:4 (KJV) - 4 But Jesus, said unto them, A prophet is not without honor, but in his own country, and among his own kin, and in his own house.
7. John 14:26 (AMP)26 But the [a]Helper (Comforter, Advocate, Intercessor—Counselor, Strengthener, Standby), the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in My name [in My place, to represent Me and act on My behalf], He will teach you all things. And He will help you remember everything that I have told you.
8. Luke 22:42 - (KJV) Saying Father, If thou be willing, remove this cup from me, Nevertheless not my will, but thine be done.
Praise the Lord Most High. I Pray You Have Been Blessed By Reading This Testing Of My Faith; To Go Beyond My Feelings Being a Controller, Manipulator, Or A Director Of God's Servant. Blessings -
Note: Transparency - If You Have Read Other Personal Blogs On This Site, You Probably Have Notice The Beginning Focus Has Been On Me, (prideful) My Emotions, And What I Desired.
God's Purpose For Me In These Personal Blogs, Is Not To Write About Other's Weaknesses Or Sins, But To Share What Brought Me To That Hard Place And The Path Required Of Me - To Bring About A Much Needed Change In My Life.
I Can't Confess Other People Sins, Faults, Or Weaknesses, I Can Only Confess Mine To Receive Forgiveness, Grace, And Mercy; So That I May Come Back In Right Standing, With God.
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